Chaos at home, Always

 It's morning, the cooker is whistling in the background,

I am hurriedly making breakfast and in-between waking up my 10 year old daughter.

before the clock strikes 6.30, I rush into the bathroom and get ready and then make sure my daughter preparing for school and eating too, though she is 'too sleepy' and 'cant have the same breakfast again'.

Bags are packed, ready to go, take some last minutes items from unexpected drawers and off she goes. 

While her father and she are waiting for the bus, I make coffee and breakfast for him and stop when my office cab comes.

Did we make it in time? yes. Did I do a good job? no.

The kitchen is a semi mess, I didn't have time to clear it away. the sofa is full for books of subjects not in today's time table and my hair is not combed and I feel weird and wish I had some more precious minutes to look dressed for office.

Work goes on the rest of the day and I am back at home around 7pm, mentally, physically and emotionally not prepared for the evening shift of cooking dinner, cleaning and teaching if possible.

I catch some bit size naps hoping I will zap up energetically and do the chores and do my daily walking but my battery is nearing 0% and I feel like an old phone, needing to be replaced.

I scroll through videos on fitness and healthy eating and vacation getaways knowing full well that I will not go down in the weighing scale with my routing and will have not energy to convince my family and plan a short vacation. 

and then there is a call from office, and then groceries to be ordered online and teeth to be brushed and clothes to be stacked into shelves.

I make up for my drained battery by yelling, threatening and pleading with my not well adjusted daughter to fall asleep immediately. And then feel guilty I that i was the monster and not the prince in the whole bedtime drama and resolve to do better tomorrow. Coping and hoping. Being like fire and then like ice and then trying to push it all away and be nice.  

One thing that helps is the feeling that we can get marginally better at life everyday and to do that, the trick is not to turn chaos into order but to manage the chaos and control the reaction to it. Like RL Stevenson said - 'A busy person never has time to be unhappy'.

Maybe One day, when I am old, I will miss this time when I could run around, multitask, be there for my daughter and earn money.  It is super important, I have learnt in these times to be grateful for what we have. To remind ourselves that gratitude the is the best attitude. Like Charles Dickens said - "Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some."